My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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