I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
