did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
