I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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