Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
