11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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