i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
