Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
