All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...