I have demons in me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
