when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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