I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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