I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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