PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
