EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
