i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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