when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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