I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
