I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
