His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
