i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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