Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
