You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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