break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
