dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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