I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
