I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
as a side note pls kill me
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
