I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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