carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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