remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
