i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
