Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
