If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
a search helicopter?!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
