Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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