you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
