Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
