do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
