Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
