So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
