____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
