I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
