i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
