His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
