Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
