the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am one with the molecules
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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