its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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