he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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