Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
