Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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