My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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