I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
