just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
