Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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