Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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