Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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