My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
